This post is for me, I decided that I commentate about our life too much and need to do more "journaling" on the blog. Since I print my blog as part of my family history I think it's important that I share my thoughts and feelings more than I have in the past, so here goes.
Yesterday I had the most amazing experience. After having 3 of my own children, I was finally able to "be on the other end" so to speak. My sweet sister in law Jennifer gave birth to a beautiful 8 lb 5 oz baby boy named Daxon and I was there for it.
I have always wanted to see a baby come into this world, I am not a pervert or a sick-o, I just find it all incredibly amazing. I was never offered a mirror (or even thought to ask for one) with my first two kids. With Max I fully intended on watching him be born but he just came so fast (barely 1 push) that we didn't even have a camera ready let alone a mirror. I have wanted to be in the room with my sisters when they have had their babies but it has never worked out. I have mentioned this several times and Jennifer has always told me that next time she has a baby I could watch. I am not sure if she thought I would actually take her up on her offer, but I did!!
She texted me when she was about an 8 and I went to the hospital. We talked and tried to patiently pass the time. It was just her, Dustin and me in the room. She made me promise that I wouldn't look at her differently and of course I did. When it was time, her legs were so numb from the epidural that they wouldn't stay in place so the Doctor put Dustin in charge of one and me the other. She pushed once and the head came right out. That moment choked me up but I held it together, then the rest of the sweet baby came out and it was...I don't even have the words, a miracle I guess is the only way to describe it. Having been on both sides now I can completely appreciate the miracle of life and I am so grateful.
Typing this up has made me very emotional and I can't really explain why. I am not sure if it because I am so thankful for the three beautiful, healthy children that I do have, or if it's the yearning I have for another one. I think I know the reason and it is the later for sure.
Last night right before I fell asleep I was re-living the events of the day and I just started sobbing. Rich is tending kids in Nephi so I had the bed to myself and I was glad, I needed to get it all out.
Rich and I wanted to have another baby right after Max was born, back in 2006. We had to have fertility treatments to help us get Max here and we tried the same thing several times after him but it just didn't work. The funny thing to me is that when I met Rich I was totally happy and content with the two kids I had and didn't want any more kids. Rich and I talked a lot about it before we got married and I never promised him that I would have more. After being married for 2 years (his due date was actually on our 2 year anniversary) Max was born. I knew that we needed one more and I have felt it ever since. I have found that for the past year this is something that I think about constantly. I can't even count the number of nieces and nephews on both sides that have been born since I had Max. Every single sister and sister-in-law has had a baby (some are even on to their second ones) since Max, everyone that is, except me. Why did I have to think about it like that, now the tears are flowing again.
I am not sure why I have such a longing for another baby if there isn't another baby for me. I know that with all the ups and downs of Rich's employment it is probably a good thing that we don't have another baby and when I think about it logically it makes perfect sense, unfortunately my heart does not have that ability and so here I am, still longing for a baby.
I am very happy for everyone who is pregnant around me, friends and family. I have 2 really close friends that are expecting twins (something I always have wanted) and a friend that has struggled with infertility for many years who is finally expecting, and I am
so happy for them, but I am not going to lie, I am a little jealous.
I know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and my family and I have total faith that whatever happens is for a reason that I don't fully understand and I am OK with that. It makes me feel better to get that all out, I know that if there is someone that needs to come to our family it will happen one way or another, I just need to keep having faith and patience.
I think this was Harper's very first sleepover and she was such a good girl. I stole all these photos from Melissa because I have been terrible at taking pictures lately! 
I curled all the Clark girls hair with this sweet new tool I got...it took longer than I thought it would but they all looked super cute!!
Nixon and Korver needed a bath so they jumped in the sink...Max and Owen used to do that too!!
All the kids love holding Harper. We are heading up to Herriman to go to Sophia Keller's blessing.
After church we all headed to Ry and Trisha's house for lunch. We had the most delicious food!! Here is the cute Keller family: Lilly, Trisha, Sophia, Haley and Ryan. We stayed at their house all day and Max LOVED playing with their 2 dogs. It was such a great way to spend the day!!!
