This post is for me, I decided that I commentate about our life too much and need to do more "journaling" on the blog. Since I print my blog as part of my family history I think it's important that I share my thoughts and feelings more than I have in the past, so here goes.
Yesterday I had the most amazing experience. After having 3 of my own children, I was finally able to "be on the other end" so to speak. My sweet sister in law Jennifer gave birth to a beautiful 8 lb 5 oz baby boy named Daxon and I was there for it.
I have always wanted to see a baby come into this world, I am not a pervert or a sick-o, I just find it all incredibly amazing. I was never offered a mirror (or even thought to ask for one) with my first two kids. With Max I fully intended on watching him be born but he just came so fast (barely 1 push) that we didn't even have a camera ready let alone a mirror. I have wanted to be in the room with my sisters when they have had their babies but it has never worked out. I have mentioned this several times and Jennifer has always told me that next time she has a baby I could watch. I am not sure if she thought I would actually take her up on her offer, but I did!!
She texted me when she was about an 8 and I went to the hospital. We talked and tried to patiently pass the time. It was just her, Dustin and me in the room. She made me promise that I wouldn't look at her differently and of course I did. When it was time, her legs were so numb from the epidural that they wouldn't stay in place so the Doctor put Dustin in charge of one and me the other. She pushed once and the head came right out. That moment choked me up but I held it together, then the rest of the sweet baby came out and it was...I don't even have the words, a miracle I guess is the only way to describe it. Having been on both sides now I can completely appreciate the miracle of life and I am so grateful.
Typing this up has made me very emotional and I can't really explain why. I am not sure if it because I am so thankful for the three beautiful, healthy children that I do have, or if it's the yearning I have for another one. I think I know the reason and it is the later for sure.
Last night right before I fell asleep I was re-living the events of the day and I just started sobbing. Rich is tending kids in Nephi so I had the bed to myself and I was glad, I needed to get it all out.
Rich and I wanted to have another baby right after Max was born, back in 2006. We had to have fertility treatments to help us get Max here and we tried the same thing several times after him but it just didn't work. The funny thing to me is that when I met Rich I was totally happy and content with the two kids I had and didn't want any more kids. Rich and I talked a lot about it before we got married and I never promised him that I would have more. After being married for 2 years (his due date was actually on our 2 year anniversary) Max was born. I knew that we needed one more and I have felt it ever since. I have found that for the past year this is something that I think about constantly. I can't even count the number of nieces and nephews on both sides that have been born since I had Max. Every single sister and sister-in-law has had a baby (some are even on to their second ones) since Max, everyone that is, except me. Why did I have to think about it like that, now the tears are flowing again.
I am not sure why I have such a longing for another baby if there isn't another baby for me. I know that with all the ups and downs of Rich's employment it is probably a good thing that we don't have another baby and when I think about it logically it makes perfect sense, unfortunately my heart does not have that ability and so here I am, still longing for a baby.
I am very happy for everyone who is pregnant around me, friends and family. I have 2 really close friends that are expecting twins (something I always have wanted) and a friend that has struggled with infertility for many years who is finally expecting, and I am so happy for them, but I am not going to lie, I am a little jealous.
I know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and my family and I have total faith that whatever happens is for a reason that I don't fully understand and I am OK with that. It makes me feel better to get that all out, I know that if there is someone that needs to come to our family it will happen one way or another, I just need to keep having faith and patience.
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9 comments:
Angela,
I love you. I wish I could give you a gigantic hug right now. And I wish I had all the right words to say to give you the comfort you need.
I truly believe that Heavenly Father knows us. He knows our hearts better than anyone, and He is aware of you and what you are struggling with right now. Of course, I know you already know all of that.
Not so long ago my heart ached, for a different reason than yours, but one that was equally important to me. I couldn't understand why I kept having such strong yearnings for something that seemed completely unattainable. But in time, (certainly not MY time) those yearnings became a reality for me.
I'm not saying that life always works out that way, but I just think that if you are longing for a baby... maybe there is a reason you are not entirely at peace with the three you have. You know?
The timing of this post is a bit serendipitous, in that my sweet SIL just went through a similar emotional experience-- and I would love to tell you her story next time we get together...maybe it'll be helpful to you.
Sorry for rambling on and making absolutely no sense at all. I care so much for you and hope you know how wonderful I think you are.
Hang in there.
I know how you feel. I think the most frustrating part of that situation is that you have absolutely no control over it.
Then there is the age old question. "Do you want more children?" If it were only that easy.
It is so hard to watch people plan their pregnancies and even worse see people who don't want to be pregnant get pregnant, and though you have no right to feel resentful, or jealous you still do.
The mind and the heart never agree. In my mind the three children I have are perfect. They are all healthy, and happy and bring me such joy.
That is 3 more than some people have.
My mind tells me I should be satisfied, and I can even convince myself that I am being greedy by wanting more children, but my heart just refuses to listen to my mind.
I am really sorry you have to go through this. I don't think anyone should have to. I keep telling myself that there is a plan, and can only hope that someday I will understand what that plan is. I hope the same for you.
Aw, Angela. ((Hugs)) to you! This post made me emotional too. It's crazy this mother business. I feel for you and your longing for a little one. Trying to trust and have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan is one of THE hardest things to do. But like the comments made above, I do know He has a plan that is more perfect than you can imagine. Just hold tight to your faith, girl.
How great for you to be a part of Daxon's birth...it is truly amazing.
Hey Angela - Thanks for the message on my blog. I was going to make a light-hearted running related comment here but after reading your post I feel more like sympathizing with you. I relate well with the feelings you expressed. I always run into trouble when I can't find the line between having faith and accepting life as it is.
Unrelated, I like your 'love fest' idea - my kids would love that. I'm tucking that one away for next year.
love you sis! i have seen your broken heart a little bit and that this has been hard for you. i am glad you were able to get it out. i pray for a sibling for maxwell a lot. i think it's about timing. a baby will come or you will find what you need to fill that longing. keep trying. don't give up.
by the way...that was not Terry, that was me, your sister Amy.
It was awesome to have you in the delivery room with us. Dustin was being boring and just doing homework, so it was great to have someone to talk to and help pass the time (and hold my other leg).
I know when the timing is right you will be sent a little baby of your own! It's crappy that we don't get to choose the timing but their is always a reason, that unfortunately we don't always get to know about. I pray nightly that Rich will find a good job and that you guys will be able to have a baby. Just know you can come and hold my baby whenever you want, if that helps at all!
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